Your dad touched me again.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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