I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
