kristin has been a bad kristin
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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