Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
