Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
