I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
