I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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