If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
