Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
