you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
