I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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