gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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