gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Is it because I queefed?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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