My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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