census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
