You smell like a Billy Joel song
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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