I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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