i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
