Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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