Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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