is your mom at the bar?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
