I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
