i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
