you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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