I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
