Will you blow on my dice?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
