Heybabeimwearingurpanties
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
