i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
