sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
