I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
