I faked an abortion last night.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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