I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
