I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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