I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
