I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
