Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize