i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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