dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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