god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
