You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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