Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
