Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
