Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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