if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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