They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
