He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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