Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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