I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
