Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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