I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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