You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
