Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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