you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
