So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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