who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
