i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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