The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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