someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Found your dick twin last night
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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