Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
