I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
