Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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