I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
