I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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