you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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