My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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