what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
