he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
