Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
