If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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