Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
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