how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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